I was always going to adopt. While there are very good biological reasons why this would have been my path regardless, I have emotionally only ever wanted to experience motherhood through adoption. I did though think my child would come from a developing country or some place so remote that most struggled to place it on a map as that seemed to ‘me’ somehow …
So a few years ago when I felt the ball rolling emotionally (really … honestly something just clicked), I looked at Kazakhstan and Ethiopia … then Nepal, until all kinds of roadblocks made me take step back and re-evaluate. I took a five hour long walk and while my feet kept moving, my head and heart meandered over all the ‘issues.’. Could I truly do this financially? Was I being too egoist by making such a decision to adopt alone? Would I be a good mother with the difficulties of my childhood? Why do things just feel wrong when I want them to be right? At the end I let my intuition … which has always been my driving force … lead me to draft an email to friends and family saying I was postponing things for the moment.
Then in January 2009 two friends quizzed me totally unrelated about when I was going to restart the adoption process. I was sceptical and told them as much. There were some things that were (and still are) issues I am less comfortable with. Deep down I wish I wasn’t doing this alone. I at times feel so vulnerable and while I know that may surprise some of my nearest and dearest, I want my child to have the best of everything … and that includes a father! I am attractive and its not impossible that I will meet someone wonderful in the future. Right now I want a break away from the dating game a bit and have the freedom to be a great mother without choosing a man who is woefully inadequate because I don’t want to wait forever. It gave me a bit of hope that my social worker had several examples of single women who actually seemed to find their soul mates post-adoption as they were innately more relaxed as relationship go. Of course that may not be my fate but I am a good and will be a good catch. The Lord does provide, but in the meantime I have great male friends vying for the role model position.
There is also the question of entitlement and I can already sense certain recriminations from women and men … mostly people who don’t know me … when I mention that I am adopting. While I have pretty much always been a black sheep in some form and forged my own path professionally and personally, I know I will at times question if I made the right decision and by doing so – I will also question my own entitlement of being a mother. This frankly scares me and on some level I just hope it all ‘clicks’ the moment I get to hold my child and my worries dissipate after the adoption is final. I also have to learn to be less sensitive on the topic and in general regarding my motherhood role and ability … else I will constantly fall short of everyone’s expectations (including my own).
Believe me … this decision has not been easy. Nor has the responsibility I am about to take on seen lightly. So imagine my surprise when I restarted the adoption process and suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle fell in place. The timing, process, financial needs … everything has been blessed. I have to laugh as I feel really content to be where I am. I know this will not be easy and the rollercoaster may be a bit overwhelming before its all over, but with the love and support of my friends and family and general community (including expectant and existing mothers and my church) – I will be fortunate to become a mother.
