Countdown December 3, 2009

Its been a fairly more than usual whirlwind of a week. For someone who has rarely travelled in the UK in the many years here, I got an opportunity to explore some new sports. On Wednesday I was in Coventry and realized that the ‘Cathedral’ was actually a ruin. On Tuesday I was fortunate to visit the ‘Regent’ in Hove for some traditional fish and chips. Today I went to Leeds, visited the Armoury and wandered the city centre.

Now, finally, I can concentrate on the task of getting ready for baby. Laci has gone to my friend Mariela’s so I can de-hair everything, move the Moses basket into my bedroom and put the bedding on it. I have already started stocking my changing table/dresser – but it needs a bit more work. I need to figure out where I will put my baby bath and various other stuff in the bathroom as it’s a bit of a tight fit. I need to buy formula.

I am already pretty much packed for the baby but I have to packs for myself and decide whether I still need to buy anything. There is also some other ‘nice to haves’ like writing some Christmas Cards, perhaps meeting with my client so we can revamp my proposal now that I have met the end users as well as possibly doing a big shopping and cooking so I am stocked with good food when I get home.

However what I really need to do is find out whether I should leave in the next day or so I can get the opportunity to meet M and get to know her a bit. I am really curious her and hope that we bond in person as much as we have over the phone and email!

Matched November 23, 2009

Only two and a half weeks ago I was heading out to a black tie dinner in a little red dress that took me ages to find. Just as I got into a cab, my blackberry squealed that I had a message. The subject line was “You have been matched!”

Needless to say I never made it to the dinner. I walked in and then walked out. Not only were there all kinds of calls to ma I was no longer emotionally able to sit and have small talk with polite business associates. I wanted to jump up and down and tell all my close friends the news. I wanted to unabashedly be happy and let myself feel and show all the excitement. So instead I want to M&S bought myself a box of chocolate and a bottle of red wine and went home to cuddle on my sofa with my phone and start dialling.

It has been a topsy turvey as my agency wasn’t legally able to proceed with the placement and then the one I found (who seemed like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths) decided they did not feel comfortable doing it as they did not source the match. Not only did they know that from the onset, they even called my poor birthmother and made her really worried that she could not place the baby with me. Talk about stress!

Finally I have a new agency and hopefully they will meet the birthmother this week as she needs some real support and although she has been reaching out all over – no one seems to be giving it her. The crazy thing is that she is due in a mere two and a half weeks. There has been no prenatal, no bloodwork and none of her insurance is organized. I so want some of these boxes to be ticked as I am worried that I am getting into something I can’t handle. I though have made my decision to proceed and see what happens. Yes, I may loose some money (not a small sum) in agency fees – but I like my birth mother ‘M’ and there is a resilience I recognize.

As this is a public forum, I won’t say a lot about ‘M’ as I want to respect her privacy. I will though say that her courage and strength in all of this has already amazed me. Where I have been ready to bend to the chaos and tell her to find an easier match, she has stood fest. Notwithstanding being almost nine months pregnant and dealing with a bereavement and a birth of very close friends all in the same two weeks. I find that impressive and she comes across as someone I would like regardless of what we are sharing. The fact we are sharing it, makes it that much more special.

If she decides last minute to keep her child, I will understand where the strength of that decision came from. Motherhood is a blessing and God knows that whatever decision she makes will be in the child’s best interest. And while I would be understandable gutted, there is no way I could ever doubt she will do the right thing.

The inherent risk and organizational details aside, it is very slowly dawning on me that in a few short weeks I may be a mama. My friends and colleagues are already using the terms “when you get home with your baby” and such. Girl friends have been giving me all kinds of last minute advice. Today I let my hairdown a bit and went to IKEA and bought random bits and ends – mostly fun stuff like a mobile, a baby sleepbag and such. I deserved this day of baby happiness. No matter what happens, I will back fondly on this day.

Yeh … I have been matched! Oh my!

I went to a Baby Show October 18, 2009

Yesterday I went to the Baby Show in London. I have been ‘live’ now for almost 5 months and gone through a whole gamut of emotions. Somehow I thought it would be a quicker than it has been and with the economy being so difficult, if there ever was an ‘opportune’ time to adopt, it would be now, yesterday, a few months ago. But this process isn’t about when I would like it to happen, its about a Birth mother making an impossibly difficult decision and God blessing it. Nowhere in that equation am I factored in and that is the way it should be.

I am though human and have a deep longing to be a mother. Plus, I want to be prepared when the time comes, which is why I went to the Baby Show. I have to admit, there were moments I found it hard – like when a woman really pushed to sell me a 3D ultrasound. I don’t want to feel compelled or even slightly forced to share my private life with strangers, but its hard explaining why you are at a Baby Show and not giving birth. I am not too sure what to do with my breast pads kindly forced into my hands either … guess I could use them as cotton wipes? Seriously though, I enjoyed the whole experience. I have lots of freebees to try out and details on various baby clubs post-adoption. The best part was the classes. The First Aid course was intimate and I was taught how to recognize meningitis, manage if he/she is choking and all about mouth to mouth resuscitation using a toy baby. There was a class about the various stages of babies and why colic isn’t really a digestive disorder and how to give a baby a massage (something I really look forward to doing). I even had a one-on-one session with a midwife who gave me all kinds of advice about how to manage and what types of services the NHS offers when we get back to the UK.

I did really enjoy the day. One thing though did kind of throw me. While I felt it difficult trying to deal with everyone assuming I was giving birth to a child, I had no desire to do so even when being together with so many pregnant people. Yet again I ask myself why I really have never felt hugely broody. Adoption has always been the path I excepted and wanted to go down. Even when I was in a relationship?
Its all very strange in a way, but it underlines that I truly believe that I should be adopting AND that it will happen. There have been moments in the past few months where I wondered if the delay was God telling me maybe I was going down the wrong route. Yesterday though gave me assurance that I wasn’t.

Two Months July 27, 2009

My profile has been live to two months. Its been a whirlwind of emotions. Somedays I am frantic and I wish it would all happen tomorrow. But I know deep down it will happen when it should happen. It doesn’t make it any easier.

 I wonder what he or she will be like? What colour eyes and hair my baby will have? Will fussy be its middle name or will it just curl up in our egobaby carrier and easily go along with life? I look at toddlers and wonder when he/she will walk, what the first words will be and whether I will be good with styling its hair – unlike my mother and her bowl-cut shaves. Smile.

Then I get all worried about TV, and the amount of commercials before children films. Can I keep him/her safe so he/she will know always where home is – no matter what life throws at him/her?

Mostly though I just want to me a mother and hold my baby in my arms. Oh I long for that moment.

Getting Cat Ready for My Little Bundle of Joy July 16, 2009

My cat L and I have been all over the world together in last 16 years.  She is the ultimate prima donna and right now she is sleeping next to me, but if I move I will get an earful for waking her up.  How is my furry baby going to cope with my real baby?   I am going to guess badly.

So I have been researching how I can acclimatise her for the whole transition.  Some helpful hints have included getting a recording of a baby wailing and playing it loudly, trying to teach her the bed is off limits, and moving furniture around well in advance to get her used to the changes.

The first test of baby wailing has been interesting.  You tube has some great little ones with very big lungs (try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_UBpTcMeYQ or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m41dH4BqIa8). L’s response was VERY unexpected.  She threw herself on her back, belly up and got frisky. Smile.  Just tried it again and yes, L again is purring and looking at the computer.  Somehow I don’t think she is going to be this relaxed about it in real life or after an hour on uncontrollable wailing. 

I also tried to move her off the bed and on to a comfy chair in the room.  I got her favourite blanket and brushed her fur, got into bed and within 5 minutes she was in my bed lying on my feet.  Having now done this for two weeks and realized that L claims the bed as hers ALL through the day and not just at night.  There is no way she is moving. So I am just going to have work around that one as it comes and realize that baby in bed probably is going to be a no go.

I think I need a few more recommendations

The Path to Adoption June 28, 2009

 I was always going to adopt. While there are very good biological reasons why this would have been my path regardless, I have emotionally only ever wanted to experience motherhood through adoption. I did though think my child would come from a developing country or some place so remote that most struggled to place it on a map as that seemed to ‘me’ somehow …

So a few years ago when I felt the ball rolling emotionally (really … honestly something just clicked), I looked at Kazakhstan and Ethiopia … then Nepal, until all kinds of roadblocks made me take step back and re-evaluate. I took a five hour long walk and while my feet kept moving, my head and heart meandered over all the ‘issues.’. Could I truly do this financially? Was I being too egoist by making such a decision to adopt alone? Would I be a good mother with the difficulties of my childhood? Why do things just feel wrong when I want them to be right? At the end I let my intuition … which has always been my driving force … lead me to draft an email to friends and family saying I was postponing things for the moment.

Then in January 2009 two friends quizzed me totally unrelated about when I was going to restart the adoption process. I was sceptical and told them as much. There were some things that were (and still are) issues I am less comfortable with. Deep down I wish I wasn’t doing this alone. I at times feel so vulnerable and while I know that may surprise some of my nearest and dearest, I want my child to have the best of everything … and that includes a father! I am attractive and its not impossible that I will meet someone wonderful in the future. Right now I want a break away from the dating game a bit and have the freedom to be a great mother without choosing a man who is woefully inadequate because I don’t want to wait forever. It gave me a bit of hope that my social worker had several examples of single women who actually seemed to find their soul mates post-adoption as they were innately more relaxed as relationship go. Of course that may not be my fate but I am a good and will be a good catch. The Lord does provide, but in the meantime I have great male friends vying for the role model position.

There is also the question of entitlement and I can already sense certain recriminations from women and men … mostly people who don’t know me … when I mention that I am adopting. While I have pretty much always been a black sheep in some form and forged my own path professionally and personally, I know I will at times question if I made the right decision and by doing so – I will also question my own entitlement of being a mother. This frankly scares me and on some level I just hope it all ‘clicks’ the moment I get to hold my child and my worries dissipate after the adoption is final. I also have to learn to be less sensitive on the topic and in general regarding my motherhood role and ability … else I will constantly fall short of everyone’s expectations (including my own).

Believe me … this decision has not been easy. Nor has the responsibility I am about to take on seen lightly. So imagine my surprise when I restarted the adoption process and suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle fell in place. The timing, process, financial needs … everything has been blessed. I have to laugh as I feel really content to be where I am. I know this will not be easy and the rollercoaster may be a bit overwhelming before its all over, but with the love and support of my friends and family and general community (including expectant and existing mothers and my church) – I will be fortunate to become a mother.